hide and seek
“Sometimes,” he sighed, “I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see.”
It occurs to me, chillingly, that the older I grow the better I get at goodbyes - not because of any laudatory emotional control I’ve developed, or because I’ve learned that precious skill of letting go gracefully - but because a part of me just doesn’t get as attached anymore. Whether it’s a self-defence mechanism against a long string of farewells or the inevitable conclusion to an over-nostalgic youth, I don’t know. Everyone has graduated, everyone is leaving, tomorrow there’ll be an empty house, and where I would have been a nervous ball of tears a few years ago I find myself now fluctuating wildly between a silent, throbbing sorrow and a firm faith that this isn’t goodbye, just a hiatus till the next time we meet again. It’s really the latter that’s anchoring me right now, but I don’t think I’d have been able to find that anchor back when I first came here.
Daddy told me a few years back that I ought to be happier about moving out and moving on, throwing away the old, leaving the past behind, because it meant that we were on the cusp of a shiny new future. I hope, perhaps unreasonably, that I’ve managed to learn that lesson; but I know somehow inside that this new alacrity with goodbyes isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I almost wish I was a nervous ball of tears, because my emotions felt so much more real then. I wonder where this clinical, rational thinking came from, I wonder if it’s a cold, icy self-preservation to keep the ball-of-tears version of me from wasting away after the millionth farewell, I wonder if I haven’t lost something in gaining the new calm.
It’s strange, isn’t it? I spend almost three years trying to get over goodbyes, to get used to the idea that everything comes to an end, and the day I find I’ve finally done so, I want nothing more than to undo it all and just cry like a child again.
2 comments
thanks shir 
it’s just been really surreal and strange because nearly all my juniors have graduated, upped and left and i’m still here… don’t think goodbyes will ever stop being tough, even if they get less so. and yeah i think i can definitely understand your fear of stagnation -hugs- especially after four whirlwind years overseas - it’s strange having to settle down again, isn’t it?
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*hugs* sounds like these past few days haven’t been easy for you. it makes me think about how i’m terrified about transitions, but now that it doesn’t look like i’ll be doing any major life changes anytime soon (ie. i’m starting work), i’m fearful about being stagnant. hope you feel better soon.