the reactions of others (notable exception pepper), when i tell them i am in fact incredibly nervous about moving to london, are so unequivocally “why???” that i really start to wonder if the problem is with me. it is an exciting city, it is vibrant, the job is interesting – i have everything to gain and nothing to lose, it seems; and yet i am nervous as hell, and when i say this i am almost without exception greeted with blank incomprehension bordering on disbelief.
i don’t want to be whiny and all “nobody understands meeeeee” because that’s ridiculous and childish and i know it. but is it really honestly so strange to be this nervous about something, even if it’s a path i chose and forged out for myself? of course i wouldn’t be nervous, were i moving back to singapore to take a comfortable paid job there, but this is a whole different ballpark and yes i am terrified. i can’t explain it, i know i’ve nothing to fear, and yet – i fear.
i can feel myself all on edge and irritable and frustrated, mostly with myself for being like that; i am so, so tense right now i could snap. and it is probably all my fault – as everyone keeps telling me, i’m just overthinking it all and it will be fine once i get there. but for now, for now, on this last night in york, let me be afraid without feeling bad for it.
Hey where did we go,
Days when the rains came
Down in the hollow,
Playin’ a new game,
Laughing and a running hey, hey
Skipping and a jumping
In the misty morning fog with
Our hearts a thumpin’ and you
My brown eyed girl,
You my brown eyed girl.
Whatever happened
To Tuesday and so slow
Going down the old mine
With a transistor radio
Standing in the sunlight laughing,
Hiding behind a rainbow’s wall,
Slipping and sliding
All along the water fall, with you
My brown eyed girl,
You my brown eyed girl.
Do you remember when we used to sing,
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da
So hard to find my way,
Now that I’m all on my own.
I saw you just the other day,
My how you have grown,
Cast my memory back there, Lord
Sometime I’m overcome thinking ’bout
Making love in the green grass
Behind the stadium with you
My brown eyed girl
You my brown eyed girl
- Van Morrison, “Brown-Eyed Girl”
I had a whole long draft typed up, about everything I am feeling this last weekend before leaving York, with all my stuff in boxes and bags once again, but somehow it never reached a stage where I felt it could be published. All the words just seemed so useless; no matter how much I wrote and rewrote whole sentences, paragraphs, I simply couldn’t – still can’t – really, really put across how I feel. So much has happened so quickly over the past two weeks.
And then “Brown-Eyed Girl” came on the radio and I thought, this is it. This is how I feel.
Do you remember when we used to sing
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da.
Do you remember? I hope I never forget.
Got a 4-month internship offer today from a youth musical theatre company in London. :D It’s unpaid (lunch+travel expenses only), but the work sounds very exciting and I can see myself getting really into it if I take it up.
There are a million and one things to think about right now. I’m still waiting on the results of another job interview, and there’s one more scheduled for next week (though that, I can do alongside the London internship I think); I have to think of where to stay, how to move all my stuff down, when to move, how much I can afford to pay for rent. I’m not quite on my last legs financially, but I’m getting there. It’s a whole other world of stress.
But I am grateful for little things, for Nic and Jake who are so kindly letting me stay at theirs, for Steffy who furnished me a whole plethora of makeup tips before my interviews last week, for En Qi who has been unstintingly and generously helping me search for a room in London, for my dad who talked me through interview preparations, for Louis who told me it was okay to keep trying for what I want even if I hit some snags along the way, for Wee Zi who’s always believed in me and kept me company via phone calls, and – for this job offer, which I thought would never come!
One thing, one thing at a time…
Life in point form:
:)
sq
cui
LcT