The days vary a lot, now. Sometimes I feel I’m fighting a steep, steep uphill battle on all fronts; I have to remind myself every second not to lose heart, that it’s not personal, that there are many reasons why, that all I can do is keep plugging on. I don’t really want to carry doom and gloom around constantly though, so I’m glad that there are those other times when I am grateful for what I have (like, I don’t know, leave to remain? terribly important that) and for the support and encouragement that I have got.
I’ve been catching up with old correspondence – where “catching up” means “making a tiny, tiny dent in a massive backlog” – sending out whatever job applications I can, making plans to meet people, prepping for my blogathon, doing loads, or what feels like loads, of housework… it’s amazing how quickly chores build up, especially when you live alone and there isn’t a handy housemate (or two, or many) to help clean stuff. I’ve also been attempting to wrangle a new microwave out of my landlord for a few weeks now, watching copious amounts of GTO (anime and live-action) and rediscovering the joy of being able to take time in cooking now that I haven’t got to rush to work. I do still have a bit of a lingering “I’m an office drone” mindset sometimes, except my office is home and my work is, well, finding work.
With my strange, newfound freedom I also found time to finally plow through a few of my library books (which have been renewed 4 times and still aren’t finished) as well as read Neil Gaiman’s The Graveyard Book, which recently won the Newbery :) what can I say about it that hasn’t already been said? It’s Neil Gaiman, and it’s one of his best. I have to admit that much as I enjoy Neil’s work, it can be a little hit and miss sometimes. Not everything sticks with me and makes me feel like I’ve just experienced something special – Sandman did, Neverwhere did, Anansi Boys and Stardust were good fun but not quite so impactful. The Graveyard Book, however, is that rare thing which is enjoyable, thought-provoking, AND feel-good without being cheesy in the least, the last factor being increasingly rare these days when it comes in combination with the first two. I loved it to bits, so go read it if you haven’t!
I know I’ve lapsed. I do have an excellent reason though, which is being completely internetless in Stratford-upon-Avon for two weeks, except when I was at work (and it really isn’t ideal to be blogging from work, is it?).
I’ve had a really good fortnight – and a really good 4.5 months of work experience, generally – but… I just have so, so many things on my plate now. I’ll post about it all some other time, I promise.
In the meantime, I am still blogathonning for a worthy cause, but have pushed it back to the last weekend in March instead because I am exhausted and will probably drop dead if I attempt it next week! I will send out an email to everyone soon. Keep your eyes peeled and donate if you haven’t. /blatant
(I wrote the stuff below while on the train back to London yesterday. It was very cathartic, and probably a bit incomprehensible, but hey.)
Some days I feel like I can do anything. Looking out the window now, with “God Knows” playing on my iPod and rolling Midlands countryside passing me by, I’m hit by this overwhelming feeling of loving it all – flocks of sheep, deserted stretches of road and railway track, quaint little rows of houses, wide green-brown acres of land, factories, industrial sites, bare trees, grey clouds with patches of blue peeking through – everything. It’s good to know travel hasn’t lost all its romance for me yet. And I feel, here in the heart of England with a suitcase and backpack next to me, that I have the world precariously perched in the palm of my hand. Fragile, yes, but there.
Some days I feel like I’ve done a lot in the past that I regret, and I regret not doing a lot of things too. Sometimes the guilt is still overpowering. I’m overcome by thoughts of what I should’ve said and done, by the choices that have passed me by, and I think, hey, I thought I was past all this sort of wistful hindsight, but I guess I’m not after all. Maybe I won’t ever be. I guess I would be losing quite a big part of myself if I ever truly became so.
I think I’m just hopping, kind of, from lilypad to lilypad right now, trying not to drown and looking for the next safe place to leap over to. It’s not really a lifestyle I’d want to lead in the long term, but for now (for now) there’s still something ever so slightly edge-of-your-seat about it all that gets my pulse racing a tiny bit quicker. We’ve just pulled into Bicester North and a big sign reads “Alight here for Bicester Village”. It reminds me that there’s a lot of the world I haven’t seen or experienced. I doubt I’ll ever find an occasion to alight at Bicester North and visit Bicester Village, but they’re there, aren’t they? These little pockets of the new and unfamiliar.
With my knuckling down and starting to look for a full time job, it feels a little like I’m coming to an end of sorts, the end of this period of wandering. I have to settle down, for a while at least. And I’m looking forward to having some certainty and stability (if a full time job ever comes). But I think I’ll miss the restless roaming, in a way.
it’s my own design
it’s my own remorse
help me to decide
help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure
nothing ever lasts forever
everybody wants to rule the world
I guess I have to keep looking forward, relentlessly forward, but there’s always going to be something sepia and magnetic about what’s past. And I think, maybe, I can live with that.
I am in Stratford-upon-Avon. It is very pretty, and the RSC is very overwhelming for someone coming from a tiny three-room office in Battersea, but I’m finding my feet (slowly). I have plenty to say about work and job-hunting and the struggle to get settled, but for now -
For those I sent a litmus-test message to: I will indeed be going ahead with a 24-hour fundraising blogathon to raise money for the Victorian Bushfires Fund, and that’s where it’s happening! Check it out and please consider donating. :)
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cui
LcT