the bad beginning

…it would be so easy for me to lose heart and throw in the towel now. but i can’t, i can’t, i can’t, not now, not when i’m already halfway down the road, there’s no turning back - i have to keep on it, i have to keep going on. on with my rapidly draining bank account, on with my grasping straws of hope, on with my flimsy backup plans and cluelessness.

is it really so bad, not knowing what’s going to happen to you? part of me is scared out of my wits, and part of me is - well - excited. it’s the first time in my entire life i’m not following a plan that’s been set out for me. it’s the first time i’m choosing the hard, hard path. so i can’t tell you for certain where i’m going to be in a month’s, a fortnight’s time, so i haven’t anything concrete beyond getting through the next 24 hours… and is it really so bad?

i don’t know what to think. i’m just really small, right now, and the world seems very big.

disoriented

I am back in York with a week to go to my dissertation deadline (technically less - horrors - since I should really make sure I have it ready by Friday so that it can be bound in time for a Monday submission), a list of jobs to apply for, a messy collection of documents I need to apply for a post-study work visa, a huge flock of unpacked boxes, and absolutely no idea at all where I’m going to stay over the coming year.

Oh, sheer terrifying uncertainty… it’s been a long time since our last dalliance.